Falling
by blisswoe
Summary: Temptation. That's what the blade is to Maya. How far will Maya go to keep her friends from discovering her little secret? Even worse, what happens when she finds herself falling for Lucas? The story is much better than the summary. Warning: contains self harm and vague descriptions of sexual abuse. Please don't read if that upsets you.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story deals with self harm in great detail, as well as vague descriptions of sexual abuse. Please do not read this if that upsets you. **

Maya sat down at the wooden desk in her room, staring down the pocket knife on the edge of it. It had been two weeks since Riley had caught her in the middle of her dirty little secret, which was pretty much the worst case scenario. Since then she had been seeing the school counselor twice a week. It was the only way Riley would agree to keep this secret between the two of them. But Maya knew it was only a matter of time before the rest of her friends found out.

The counselor, Mr. Brooks, had provided her with a few strategies to subdue her urges to cut. She now wore an array of multicolored rubber bands on her arms, snapping them when she would normally turn to her pocket knife.

But it wasn't the same.

Her mother was off somewhere, as usual. Maya's stepfather, Rick, was drinking himself out of his misery. He would probably come see her later tonight. The thought of that terrified her. Maya needed relief. She was snapping the rubber bands furiously, but it wasn't enough. Not today.

How could she do this? She knew how much she was hurting Riley every time she hurt herself. She knew if Riley found out that she'd cut again, she would be destroyed. She would cry and blame herself for not being enough to make Maya stop. How could Maya but her best friend through that, just so she could get a little relief?

She was selfish. So selfish.

Sighing at herself for being so weak, she opened the pocket knife and pressed it against her flesh. Deeper and deeper, until she saw dots of red appear on her skin. She watched as more dots appeared, blurring into one red line.

In the back of her mind, she knew it was wrong. She knew she shouldn't be doing this to herself. But why? This was her drug, her comfort. Her blade was there for her when no one else could be. It kept her going. How could that be so wrong? If cutting herself kept her from killing herself, could it really be so bad?

She wasn't killing herself. The thought had crossed her mind many times, yes, but when it did she just cut herself. Not deep enough to die, just deep enough to silence the demons screaming in her head.

Since that night, Maya had cut herself many more times. Thankfully, Riley hadn't found out. Sure, she was a little bit suspicious and she asked about it a lot, but she hadn't seen the cuts. What was she going to do, yank up the sleeves of Maya's shirt and check for herself?

Riley would always ask Maya how she was feeling, code for "have you cut again?" The answer was yes, of course, but it was so much easier to say "I'm doing great" and change the subject.

It was so much easier to lie.

She hated lying to her best friend, but her options were limited. If Riley knew how much Maya was struggling with this, she would tell her parents. Maya just knew that if Mr. and Mrs. Matthews found out they would never let Riley see her again. They would they she was some mental freak. Farkle and Lucas would obviously choose Riley over her and she'd be all alone. She'd probably never eat breakfast again and she'd be forced to spend even more time with Rick.

Okay, so maybe Maya was being a tad dramatic, but she couldn't help but assume the worst. After all, her entire life seemed to be comprised of a series of worst case scenarios, stitched together by pain.

Lucas and Farkle were completely oblivious to Maya's little secret.

Lucas had known that something was up with Maya for a while now, but he didn't have any solid idea as to what that might be. To him, Maya was just the cute rebel who he had become very close with over the past three years. Maya knew he (as well as Farkle) would eventually out about her secret, just as Riley did, but for now she would do anything she could to keep them in the dark. She knew it was horrible, but it was what she had to do. Both Lucas and Farkle had the tendency to obsess over everyone's well being. They'd be shattered if they knew.

Farkle had not the slightest idea that anything was wrong. He was still the same goofy kid from seventh grade. He was incredibly intelligent, yes, but so childishly naive and oblivious. He had a certain innocence about him that Maya knew she had to protect.

Snapping herself out of her thoughts, Maya finished getting dressed for school. Her phone buzzed with a text from Riley, explaining that she was sick and not coming into school today. Maya sighed. That meant no breakfast for her. She grabbed her backpack and walked downstairs, sprinting out of the house as fast as she could. She didn't want to see Rick, or her mom, or whoever else was down there. She didn't want to see bottles everywhere, or smoke circling the kitchen, or that ugly green couch. She couldn't bear to look at it. So she didn't. She ran.

She ran and ran, until she got to the front doors of Lucas's apartment complex Maya and Riley had started meeting him here in the mornings in eight grade. Farkle still preferred to take the bus to school, so it was usually just the three of them.

Right on cue, the tall, handsome boy swung open the doors of the lobby, smiling at her. Maya loved it when he smiled. It made it feel like everything was okay for once. Plus, he had totally cute dimples that showed when he smiled. Not that Maya obsessed over them. She refused to admit to herself that she had feelings for this boy.

He would never love her. No one would. She was unlovable. She pushed people away, she hurt the people she cared about. No one could put up with that. She refused to admit her feelings for him because she knew she didn't have a chance. No use setting herself up for more hurt.

"Maya? Helloooo?" Lucas snapped her out of her thoughts, and she realized they were well on their way to the subway. She kicked a piece of ice on the sidewalk.

"Yeah?"

"I was saying, you've been... Weird lately. Like... I don't know. Not my usual Maya. Please just... I don't know. Tell me what's going on. I want to help you." He said quietly, staring down at his shoes.

Maya blushed. However, the butterflies in her stomach were quickly replaced by fear. He was catching on. She knew he had been worried about her for some time now, but he was now confronting her about it. She knew it was he would find out soon enough.

"Nothing's going on. I'm just... I don't know. Tired, I guess. School and stuff..." Stuff like her absent mother, cleaning up after her drunken stepfather, dealing with said stepfather's drunken actions, her repressed feelings for Lucas, constantly worrying about people finding out... Maya added mentally to her list. But she could never admit any of that to Lucas.

It would ruin everything.


	2. Chapter 2

School. Another day, fading into another, and another. Things had fallen into a routine for Maya Hart. Wake up. Get dressed. School. Home. Clean up after drunk stepfather. Dinner. Homework. Bed. It wasn't a routine Maya was particularly fond of, but it was her life. If things got too hard for her, she simply pulled out her knife. Or razor. Or scissors. Whatever she could find, really. Anything sharp enough to break skin.

The consequences? She was defensive. She was secretive. She had to lie constantly. She was confined to long sleeves on the hottest days. The first time she tried skipping her meeting with Brooks, the counselor came to get her from class. That took a lot of explaining and reassuring that everything was fine yes, everything was fine, YES, she was sure, before Lucas let it go. Maya knew it was only a matter of time before her world shattered.

A week or so later, she and Lucas were sitting in English, texting each other from opposite sides of the room. The teacher stood at the front of the room rambling on about something they didn't care about. It was the last day before winter break, nobody cared about school.

_Maya, wanna hang at your place after school? - L_

Maya sighed. He was trying to get her to invite him over. Partially because he wanted to see where she lived, and partially because he found it suspicious how she always made excuses to keep both him and Riley away from her apartment. And maybe partially because his parents always encouraged the two to date.

Not today

_Make it your place? - M_

_We're always at my place. C'mon. - L_

_Not today. - M_

_Fine. - L_

Maya bit her lip, worried that her friend might ditch her soon if she kept being so stubborn. She then remembered that Mr. Brooks had asked her to come in for a quick counseling session after school to talk about managing things over winter break. She didn't want to go, but she didn't want to know what Brooks might do if she didn't.

_Hey... Just remembered I have to talk to Brooks about something after school. Meet you outside? - M_

Before Lucas was able to reply, however, the teacher walked to their row of desks and stood in the middle of them.

"Friar, Hart, would you like me to confiscate those cell phones?"

"Not particularly..." Lucas said sheepishly.

Maya rolled her eyes. If there was anything that boy hated, it was getting in trouble. He was such a goody two shoes.

"Then I suggest you put them away." The teacher said sternly.

Later, at the end of the day, Maya circled the counselor's office nervously. She always felt uneasy before talking to Brooks. Today she was feeling particularly worried.

"Hello, Maya." Brooks greeted, opening the door and motioning for her to come in. "How are you?"

"As good as I can be. Winter break sucks." She muttered, quickly regretting it.

"Care to tell why?"

"Well, my step dad thinks of the holidays as more excuses to..." She realized that she hadn't told Brooks anything. Ever.

"Well, my step dad's an alcoholic and my mom is never around to stop him from... Messing with me... when he gets drunk. She works all day at a diner and then heads off to god knows where when she's done. I only see her a couple times a week. My step dad drinks a lot around the holidays, especially New Years, and when he's drunk sometimes he hits me or touches me and... That's all I can say today." Maya grabbed her bag and ran out of the room, leaving a shocked Mr. Brooks in her wake.

She ran into the closest room, the computer lab, completely deserted for the holidays. Tears streamed down her face, leaving black eyeliner and mascara streaked down her red cheeks. She felt like she couldn't control her actions. Without a second thought, she pulled up the sleeve of her gray sweater, took out her scissors, and pressed.

And then things were okay.

Meanwhile, Lucas stood on the steps of the school, shivering and looking for his best friend. Maybe she'd just gone straight to his apartment. He decided to check the school for her. If he didn't find her, he'd go home and text her on his way. He walked down a few hallways before he heard what sounded like a girl crying. Maya. Regardless of who it was, Lucas was too much of a nice guy to leave a crying girl by herself. He walked until he came upon the computer lab, where he found the unmistakable blonde hunched over something. He rapped his fist against the glass of the window.

"Maya?"

Shit.

She'd done it again. First, when Riley caught her in the school bathroom. She could have gone in a stall but she stayed in the main part of the restroom. And now, with Lucas. She could have locked herself anywhere else, somewhere with less windows. She could have been quieter.

The door started to open. She pulled her sleeve up, shoved the scissors into her backpack, and tried in vain to fix her makeup. Lucas entered the room and took a seat on the desk, putting his arm around her.

"Maya, what's wrong?"

"N-n-n-nothing..." Damn. There was a small red line showing through the sleeve of her gray shirt, where she'd made the most recent cut. She flipped her arm over in a way that she thought was nonchalant. To anyone else, it might have been. But Lucas knew her too well. He could read the guilty look on her face.

"Maya, what are you hiding?" He asked, flipping her arm over. He stared at the line of red for a moment. "...Maya, you're bleeding." He started to push her sleeve up, still not suspecting the injury was self inflicted.

"No, no, I just hit my arm on something. I'm fine." She said frantically, jerking her arm away. He definitely did not believe her. He slowly pushed her sleeve up, revealing cut, after cut, after cut. His eyes widened as he looked into the eyes of his best friend. The girl that had gotten him through the hardest times of his life. His rock. And she was breaking.

Broken.

"Maya... Oh my god." Tears began falling down his cheeks. It didn't freak him out- not in the way Maya thought it would, anyway. It scared him because he loved her so much. And he truly did love her, like a sister, or maybe something a little more. He allowed his fingers to roam the scars and cuts on her arm. He wasn't even looking at her bad arm. It was her right arm he was examining. If he looked at the left... Oh, she just hoped he didn't.

As if reading her mind, he pushed up the left sleeve, gasping at what he saw. There was hardly a part of skin that wasn't cut or scarred. He leaned into her shoulder, both of them crying.

"Maya, why?"

"I... Home... School... My step dad... Too much..."He hugged her as tight as he could, stroking her hair.

"Shh. It's okay, love. My parents aren't going to be home for a while. I'm taking you home. To my home."

Forty Five minutes later, Lucas had Maya wrapped up in a blanket, sitting on his bed, both of them sipping hot chocolate. She told him the entire story. All that she could. Minus her confused feelings for him. She told him about her mother's neglect, her stepfather's abuse (of her and alcohol), how Riley had found out about the cutting and how it had made things tense between them, how she was failing most of her classes, how stressed the meetings with Brooks made her. Now they were just laying on his bed, her head on his shoulder.

Lucas's parents had texted him earlier, saying they would be away for two weeks. He was used to it. His father got called away on business often and his mother couldn't bear to leave her husband. Apparently they could both bear to leave Lucas, however. He actually didn't mind this time. Now he could take care of Maya without them breathing down his neck. His parents were gone most weekends and in two weeks, school would almost be starting again. He would barely miss them. He looked at Maya sleeping on his shoulder. He smiled. She looked so peaceful in her sleep. Happy, even. It had been a long time since he'd seen her happy. He brushed her hair away from her face and kissed her forehead.

Lucas laughed to himself as he realized Maya was snoring softly. He was glad she was finally getting some rest. She'd mentioned having trouble sleeping earlier. He gently laid her on her back, slipping a pillow under her head. He then got a wet tissue from the bathroom and gently cleaned the makeup streaks off her face, knowing that she slept like a rock. After throwing it away and slipping the combat boots she wore off her feet, he climbed into bed with her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her forehead softly.

"You'll be okay, Maya Hart."


End file.
